Interviewing Roommates

I'm at Dizzie's last night and talking about the weirdness that is our roommate search (i.e. Edith has interviewed someone before I have! In Bolivia!). Ian, being British and having an affinity for Scotland, brought up Shallow Grave, which came out in the early 90's, before Trainspotting (same people). There's a famous roommate interview scene which I will shamelessly post here. The movie ends quite badly for everyone but it is an icon for students of a certain age, especially those in my current situation.

Shallow Grave





Final Draft Screenplay

by

John Hodge
[Introduction]


Typed and HTMLed by "Greg Adkins"



INT. DAY

A blurred image forms on a white screen. A horizontal strip of
face, eyes motionless and unblinking.

DAVID
(voice-over)
Take trust, for instance, or friendship: these are the important
things in life, the things that matter, that help you on your
way. If you can't trust your friends, well, what then?

EXT. DAWN

A series of fast-cut static scenes of empty streets.

DAVID
(voice-over)
This could have been any city: they're all the same.

A rapid, swerving track along deserted streets and down narrow
lanes and passageways. Accompanied by soundtrack and credits.

The track ends outside a solid, fashionable Edinburgh tenement.

INT. STAIRWELL. DAY

At the door of a flat on the third floor of the tenement. The
door is dark, heavy wood and on it is a plastic card embossed
with the names of three tenants. They are Alex Law, David
Stevens, and Juliet Miller.

A man climbs the stairs and reaches the door. He is Cameron
Clarke, thin and in his late twenties with a blue anorak and
lank, greasy hair. He is carrying an awkwardly bulky plastic bag.
Cameron gives the doorbell an ineffectual ring and then stands
back, shifting nervously from foot to foot until the door is
answered.

CAMERON
Hello, I've come about the room.

Cameron enters and the door closes.

INT. LIVING ROOM. DAY

David, Alex, and Juliet sit in a line on the sofa directly
opposite Cameron, who shifts uneasily in his armchair. Alex
checks some items on a clipboard before speaking.

ALEX
What's his name?

DAVID
I don't know -- Campbell or something?

JULIET
Cameron.

ALEX
Cameron?

JULIET
Yes.

ALEX
(to Juliet)
Really?

CAMERON
That's right.

ALEX
(to Cameron)
What?

Cameron is not sure what to say.

ALEX
(continued)
Well, Cameron, are you comfortable?

CAMERON
Yes, thanks.

ALEX
Good. Well, you've seen the flat?

CAMERON
Yes.

ALEX
And you like it?

CAMERON
Oh, yes, it's great.

ALEX
Yes. It is, isn't it? We alllike it. And the room's nice too,
don't you think?

CAMERON
Yes.

ALEX
Spacious, quiet, bright, well appointed, all that sort of stuff,
all that crap.

CAMERON
Well, yes.

ALEX
So tell me, Cameron, what on earth -- just tell me, because I
want to know -- what on earth could make you think that we would
want to share a flat like this with someone like you?

INT. STAIRWELL. DAY

As Cameron plods slowly down the stairs, his shoes striking out
against the stone steps, Alex's criticisms continue.

ALEX
(voice-over)

I mean, my first impression, and they're rarely wrong, is that
you have none of the qualities that we would normally seek in a
prospective flatmate. I'm talking here about things like
presence, charisma, style and charm, and I don't think we're
being unreasonable. Take David here, for instance: a chartered
accountant he may be, but at least he tries hard. The point is, I
don't think you're even trying.

Cameron has reached the bottom of the stairs. He opens the main
door.

ALEX
(continued)
And, Cameron -- I mean this -- good luck!

Cameron leaves and the main door closes behind him.

ALEX
(continued)
Do you think he was upset?

INT. STAIRWELL. DAY

Inside the hall of the flat, David approaches the door toopen it.
Freeze-frame.

ALEX
(voice-over)
David likes to keep spareshoelaces in sorted pairs in a box
marked, not just shoelaces', but spare shoelaces'.

David opens the door to the Woman.

WOMAN
I've come to see about the room.

INT. STAIRWELL. DAY

Outside the door of the flat a young Goth girl, aged about
twenty, rings the doorbell.

INT. HALL. DAY

Inside the hall of the flat Alex approaches the door to open it.
Freeze-frame.

JULIET
(voice-over)
Alex is a vegetarian. Do you know why? Because he feels it
provides an interesting counterpoint to his otherwise callous
personality. It doesn't. He thinks he's the man for me. He isn't,
though there was a time when, well, there was a time when...

Alex opens the door to the Goth.

GOTH
I've come about the room.

INT. STAIRWELL. DAY

At the door of the flat a Man aged about thrity-five rings the
bell.

INT. HALL. DAY

Inside the hall of the flat Juliet approaches the door to open
it. Freeze-frame.

DAVID
(voice-over)
Like one of those stupid posters -- you know, a gorilla cuddling
a hedgehog, caption love hurts --- that's what I think when I
think of Juliet.

Juliet opens the door to the Man.

MAN
I've come about the room.

INT. LIVING ROOM. DAY

In the living room each of the candidates is interviewed
individually with the same seating arrangements as before (i.e.
the trio on the sofa and the applicant on the chair). What we see
are briskly intercut excerpts from each of these interviews. We
do not get the responses to the questions, although we may see
some facial reaction.

All of David's questions are to the Woman.

All of Alex's questions are to the Goth.

All of Juliet's questions are to the Man.

DAVID
All right, just a few questions.

ALEX
I'd like to ask you about your hobbies.

JULIET
Why do you want a room here?

DAVID
Do you smoke?

ALEX
When you slaughter a goat and wrench its heart out with your bare
hands, do you then summon hellfire?

JULIET
I mean, what are you actually doing here? What is the hidden
agenda?

DAVID
Do a little freebasemaybe, from time to time?

ALEX
Or maybe just phone out for a pizza?

JULIET
Look, it's a fairly straightforward question. You're either
divorced or you're not.

DAVID
OK, I'm going to play you just a few seconds of this tape -- I'd
like you to name the song, the lead singer and the three hit
singles subsequently recorded by him with another band.

ALEX
When you get up in the morning, how do you decide what shade of
black to wear?

JULIET
Now, let me get this straight. This affair that you're not
having, is it not with a man or not with a woman?

DAVID
Turning very briefly to the subject of corporate finance -- no,
this is important. Leveraged buy-outs -- a good thing or a bad
thing?

ALEX
With which of the following figures do you most closely identify:
Joan of Arc, Eva Braun or Marilyn Monroe?

JULIET
It's just that you strike me as a man trapped in a crisis of
emotional direction, afflicted by a realization that the partner
of your dreams is, quite simply, just that.

DAVID
Did you ever kill a man?

ALEX
And when did anyone last say to you these exact words: You are
the sunshine of my life'?

JULIET
OK, so A has left you, B is ambivalent, you're still seeing C but
D is the one you yearn for. What are we to make of this? If I
were you, I'd ditch the lot. There's a lot more letters in the
alphabet of love.

DAVID
And what if I told you that I was the antichrist?